June 05, 2012
What To Do When a Person Sins Against You
I am always amazed at how God takes His Word and reveals Truth. When I read Matthew 18:15–17 it was an "Oh my goodness!" moment. Most everyone knows these verses, but oh how often they are abused. Jesus tells us when a fellow believer sins against you (key words underlined) we should:
When anger, revenge, and greed is the fruit that comes from someone's trees, how can you come to any other conclusion but that they are religious, yet unbelievers and therefore deceived. So, yesterday when I read these verses and I think, "Oh my goodness!" it is because I realized for the first time that in my sister and brother-in-law's (what I believe is their) deceived hearts they actually think they have obeyed Biblical truth. What appears to be their level of deceit, both in what they believe and in what they project, is just absolutely gut-wrenching. It breaks my heart to realize the deceit they are bound by.
Step #1:
My sister and brother-in-law (in what I believe is their deceived state) have chosen to believe and have convinced themselves that we have sinned against them. Therefore, they think they've obeyed Step #1 by asking to meet with us in the infamous January '07 meeting. They now say the sole purpose for the meeting was so they could "just listen" to our concerns. Nothing could be farther from the truth. They didn't come to listen. They didn't come to restore a broken relationship between us and Christ. They didn't come to restore a broken relationship between sisters. They came to our home for one reason and one reason only—to restore their own agenda. They saw the plan they carefully crafted and secretly put into was place falling apart and they were panicked and angry. What they wanted to restore was our submission to them. They did not try to restore a relationship by listening or by engaging in honest conversation. They tried to restore their own evil agenda by domination, deceit, threats, accusations, vicious lies, manipulations, and control.
Trying to restore a fellow believer from heading down a wrong path and trying restore you own evil agenda of trickery and false accusations is as different as night and day. Yet, in their minds (deceived state), they have convinced themselves they followed Step #1 of God's principles.
Step #2:
My sister and brother-in-law "believe" this is what they were doing when they contacted our pastors multiple times. My brother-in-law called one of our Associate Pastors, introduced himself, and told him there was a broken relationship between themselves and leaders within the church. He told our Pastor they were trying to follow Matthew 18 and Step #1 had failed so they were contacting him to ask his help in facilitating a meeting between us. Sounds biblical doesn't it? Yet, the purpose wasn't for reconciliation. It was for manipulation. Our Pastor, with God's wisdom, knew something wasn't right. He told them he would speak to us and call them back.
Our Pastor called me on my cell phone. It was my day to watch our grandson and I was taking him for a stroller ride to the park. Our Pastor told me about receiving a phone call from my brother-in-law and he asked me if Matthew 18:15 had been tried. I told him there definitely was a break down in our relationship but this was not a situation where my sister and brother-in-law were looking for personal restoration. I explained it was our business "partnership" that had to end and we were trying to break free from any type of business ties with them. I shared with him some of what we were learning about their personal lives and business practices; I shared with him what happened in the January '07 meeting and the revised "agreement" they tricked us into signing; I shared how we had already sought counsel with the Senior Pastor about the situation; I explained how my sister and brother-in-law were demanding we compromise our belief system and that once we became aware we did not share the same core principles and values as my sister and brother-in-law, we knew we had to separate ourselves from them. It was a good conversation.
Our Associate Pastor called my brother-in-law back and declined to set up a meeting. My sister and brother-in-law were angry that our Pastors would not help them with their agenda. Their son later told us that this Associate Pastor was a "moron." Can you imagine what that meeting would have been like? Oh, my sister and brother-in-law would have appeared so concerned; they would have said how during the first meeting they came back just to listen; they just don't understand what is going on; they never asked us to lie or compromise our beliefs; I must have misunderstood; I was emotionally unstable; they don't know if they will ever be able to trust us again; they didn't trick us into anything; yadda, yadda, yadda. God would have revealed truth to our Pastors, but thank-you, Lord, that we were spared from that!
Our Associate Pastor called me back to tell me the conversation with my brother-in-law did not go well and to be careful. He felt they were unpredictable and may try to arrive at our house unannounced to confront us. Sure enough, several days later we arrived home late at night to find my nephew sitting on our dark porch waiting for us to return so he could confront us. We live in a secluded area. He had parked his car (off the road and hidden) in a woods adjoining our property and trespassed across multiple farm fences and fields to arrive at our porch.
In their mind's eye, they "believe" they are following Jesus' instructions. How do you get into a deceived state? By compromise and disobedience. There has to be a purposeful turning away FROM following truth. You aren't forcefully overtaken and it doesn't happen as a victim of circumstance. It is instead the direct result of the choices you make. A "little" sin never remains little and before you know it, wrong becomes right and right becomes wrong.
After their Step #2 scheme (not obedience) failed, they moved on to the next step.
Step #3:
And so they did. More phone calls. Emails. Letters. Trying to manipulate our Senior Pastor (manipulation is how our Senior Pastor described it) and force the church to remove us from our leadership positions by implying threats and embarrassment to the church through intimidation. All to continue to try to further their own agenda and not for the purpose of restoration. All night and day different from what Jesus was saying in Matthew 18:15–17.
I've said this before. My sister and brother-in-law somehow believe (or at the very least project) themselves to be like us (upright, honest, trustworthy, believers) and they project their actions (dishonest, untrustworthy, liars, unbelievers) upon us. Incredible. Our actions and lives speak for themselves, and so does theirs. The things we have learned through this lawsuit, discovery, and the passage of time, have shown us more of the iceberg—the truth. You cannot deny the facts. Like Jesus said: A good tree cannot produce bad fruit and a bad tree cannot produce good fruit. As much as they want to claim they are a good tree, I believe their actions speak otherwise.
In their deceived state they can't figure out why Step #1 – Step #3 didn't work. In a letter to our Senior Pastor, my sister and brother-in-law said they were "mystified" about why none of the steps to restoration worked and so now they were "forced" to file a very public lawsuit against us as a "defensive move." And that brings us to the next step.
Step #4:
Break all ties.
"The storm" begins. The "big guns" (my brother-in-law's words) are brought out and they file a lawsuit against us as a "defensive" move. Trying to make us pay them three quarters of a million dollars doesn't sound like a "defensive" move to me.
My sister used to say that you had to take everything our Mom and Dad said and turn it 180 degrees. Now I understand that is what I have to do with her actions. She projected her problems on to Mom and Dad. Now, my sister and brother-in-law are projecting their moral, ethical, legal, and religious failures on to us, or at least they are attempting to. By their actions you would think we were the ones who tricked them into a "revised agreement"; lied about it; promised to change it; removed $250k from the project funds for our personal use; refused to return the money or sign a promissory note for it; refused to remove the "revised agreement"; and then filed suit against them.
My sister and brother-in-law, think they followed the biblical principles of Matthew 18. But then they follow it up with a direct violation of both Old Testament standards and the written instructions of the New Testament, and they file a lawsuit against a fellow "believer." And not just any lawsuit, but the most personal, vindictive and vicious lawsuit our lawyer has seen in years if not ever.
How do they explain that to themselves? I guess by saying it was a "defensive" move they rationalize they didn't do it and once again project their actions on to us.
Addendum: Well the Settlement Conference is over, and it was not successful. The judge was awesome. He was so wise and did his very best. But you cannot deal rationally with people who are irrational.
The judge told us that less than 2% of civil lawsuits ever make it to trial. I guess we are going to be in that "special" 2%. I'm guessing that the rest of the cases that make the 2% are like ours and not really about the merits of the case at all but are about personal vendettas and revenge. What they wanted was absurd. The good thing about it is that it was so absurd that there was no doubt what our answer had to be. So, we will wait to see when a trial will be scheduled. The judge tried to tell them that we don't have that kind of money and their response was, "they have a successful business." Our business is a small business with expensive equipment but it is not a cash cow. If you sell your equipment then you don't have a business. We couldn't come up with that much money if we sold everything we own.
The judge clearly saw what the motives were behind the issues.
The Lord is faithful, and He once again gave them another opportunity to do the right thing and drop this lawsuit. My sister and brother-in-law always accuse us of "digging in," another projection on to us of who and what they do. I'm learning that this projection, both the projection of assuming our qualities upon themselves and asserting their actions upon us, is symptomatic of a personality disorder.
It has been several years since we have seen them. Whenever we see them I find it very shocking. They both arrived in court in blue jeans. My brother-in-law's jeans looked like he had worn them for days or weeks without washing. They both looked very disheveled, hard, and unhealthy. Their personas do not portray any kind of peace or contentment in their lives. It is so sad. So very, very sad. LORD, what is it going to take? Will they ever understand how to have peace and contentment in their lives? Will they ever turn FROM the lies and turn TO truth—YOUR TRUTH?
On a side note: Today the guys came to begin building the shelter that is a symbol of God's protection in our lives. They should be finished tomorrow and the antique lithograph store manger scene that I bought last year (but didn't know what I was going to do with it) will go in the shelter the next day. This shelter represents what God told the Israelites to do during the Feast of Shelters. They were to build a shelter on their property to remind them of how God took care of them while they were in the wilderness. That is why we are building this simple shelter. It is a reminder to ourselves, the generations that follow us, and all that come to our home—HE IS THE ONE—who protected us and took care of us while following HIS path in this trial.
Next Entry: Matthew 18:15 – 19:30 (Continued)
What To Do When a Person Sins Against You
I am always amazed at how God takes His Word and reveals Truth. When I read Matthew 18:15–17 it was an "Oh my goodness!" moment. Most everyone knows these verses, but oh how often they are abused. Jesus tells us when a fellow believer sins against you (key words underlined) we should:
- Go the person in private and tell him what he did wrong. After repentance there is restoration.
- If he refuses to listen, then try again by taking several other people with you so there are witnesses.
- If that doesn't work "tell the church"
- If the person still refuses to accept truth, then treat him as an outsider.
When anger, revenge, and greed is the fruit that comes from someone's trees, how can you come to any other conclusion but that they are religious, yet unbelievers and therefore deceived. So, yesterday when I read these verses and I think, "Oh my goodness!" it is because I realized for the first time that in my sister and brother-in-law's (what I believe is their) deceived hearts they actually think they have obeyed Biblical truth. What appears to be their level of deceit, both in what they believe and in what they project, is just absolutely gut-wrenching. It breaks my heart to realize the deceit they are bound by.
O LORD, please open their eyes. Reveal truth to them. LORD, give them another opportunity for repentance. LORD, may they confess, surrender, and save their souls. May their eyes be open to see Truth, and may the Truth—YOUR Truth—set them free.Here is why their belief that they've followed Biblical principles is flawed.
Step #1:
My sister and brother-in-law (in what I believe is their deceived state) have chosen to believe and have convinced themselves that we have sinned against them. Therefore, they think they've obeyed Step #1 by asking to meet with us in the infamous January '07 meeting. They now say the sole purpose for the meeting was so they could "just listen" to our concerns. Nothing could be farther from the truth. They didn't come to listen. They didn't come to restore a broken relationship between us and Christ. They didn't come to restore a broken relationship between sisters. They came to our home for one reason and one reason only—to restore their own agenda. They saw the plan they carefully crafted and secretly put into was place falling apart and they were panicked and angry. What they wanted to restore was our submission to them. They did not try to restore a relationship by listening or by engaging in honest conversation. They tried to restore their own evil agenda by domination, deceit, threats, accusations, vicious lies, manipulations, and control.
Trying to restore a fellow believer from heading down a wrong path and trying restore you own evil agenda of trickery and false accusations is as different as night and day. Yet, in their minds (deceived state), they have convinced themselves they followed Step #1 of God's principles.
Step #2:
My sister and brother-in-law "believe" this is what they were doing when they contacted our pastors multiple times. My brother-in-law called one of our Associate Pastors, introduced himself, and told him there was a broken relationship between themselves and leaders within the church. He told our Pastor they were trying to follow Matthew 18 and Step #1 had failed so they were contacting him to ask his help in facilitating a meeting between us. Sounds biblical doesn't it? Yet, the purpose wasn't for reconciliation. It was for manipulation. Our Pastor, with God's wisdom, knew something wasn't right. He told them he would speak to us and call them back.
Our Pastor called me on my cell phone. It was my day to watch our grandson and I was taking him for a stroller ride to the park. Our Pastor told me about receiving a phone call from my brother-in-law and he asked me if Matthew 18:15 had been tried. I told him there definitely was a break down in our relationship but this was not a situation where my sister and brother-in-law were looking for personal restoration. I explained it was our business "partnership" that had to end and we were trying to break free from any type of business ties with them. I shared with him some of what we were learning about their personal lives and business practices; I shared with him what happened in the January '07 meeting and the revised "agreement" they tricked us into signing; I shared how we had already sought counsel with the Senior Pastor about the situation; I explained how my sister and brother-in-law were demanding we compromise our belief system and that once we became aware we did not share the same core principles and values as my sister and brother-in-law, we knew we had to separate ourselves from them. It was a good conversation.
Our Associate Pastor called my brother-in-law back and declined to set up a meeting. My sister and brother-in-law were angry that our Pastors would not help them with their agenda. Their son later told us that this Associate Pastor was a "moron." Can you imagine what that meeting would have been like? Oh, my sister and brother-in-law would have appeared so concerned; they would have said how during the first meeting they came back just to listen; they just don't understand what is going on; they never asked us to lie or compromise our beliefs; I must have misunderstood; I was emotionally unstable; they don't know if they will ever be able to trust us again; they didn't trick us into anything; yadda, yadda, yadda. God would have revealed truth to our Pastors, but thank-you, Lord, that we were spared from that!
Our Associate Pastor called me back to tell me the conversation with my brother-in-law did not go well and to be careful. He felt they were unpredictable and may try to arrive at our house unannounced to confront us. Sure enough, several days later we arrived home late at night to find my nephew sitting on our dark porch waiting for us to return so he could confront us. We live in a secluded area. He had parked his car (off the road and hidden) in a woods adjoining our property and trespassed across multiple farm fences and fields to arrive at our porch.
In their mind's eye, they "believe" they are following Jesus' instructions. How do you get into a deceived state? By compromise and disobedience. There has to be a purposeful turning away FROM following truth. You aren't forcefully overtaken and it doesn't happen as a victim of circumstance. It is instead the direct result of the choices you make. A "little" sin never remains little and before you know it, wrong becomes right and right becomes wrong.
After their Step #2 scheme (not obedience) failed, they moved on to the next step.
Step #3:
And so they did. More phone calls. Emails. Letters. Trying to manipulate our Senior Pastor (manipulation is how our Senior Pastor described it) and force the church to remove us from our leadership positions by implying threats and embarrassment to the church through intimidation. All to continue to try to further their own agenda and not for the purpose of restoration. All night and day different from what Jesus was saying in Matthew 18:15–17.
I've said this before. My sister and brother-in-law somehow believe (or at the very least project) themselves to be like us (upright, honest, trustworthy, believers) and they project their actions (dishonest, untrustworthy, liars, unbelievers) upon us. Incredible. Our actions and lives speak for themselves, and so does theirs. The things we have learned through this lawsuit, discovery, and the passage of time, have shown us more of the iceberg—the truth. You cannot deny the facts. Like Jesus said: A good tree cannot produce bad fruit and a bad tree cannot produce good fruit. As much as they want to claim they are a good tree, I believe their actions speak otherwise.
In their deceived state they can't figure out why Step #1 – Step #3 didn't work. In a letter to our Senior Pastor, my sister and brother-in-law said they were "mystified" about why none of the steps to restoration worked and so now they were "forced" to file a very public lawsuit against us as a "defensive move." And that brings us to the next step.
Step #4:
Break all ties.
"The storm" begins. The "big guns" (my brother-in-law's words) are brought out and they file a lawsuit against us as a "defensive" move. Trying to make us pay them three quarters of a million dollars doesn't sound like a "defensive" move to me.
My sister used to say that you had to take everything our Mom and Dad said and turn it 180 degrees. Now I understand that is what I have to do with her actions. She projected her problems on to Mom and Dad. Now, my sister and brother-in-law are projecting their moral, ethical, legal, and religious failures on to us, or at least they are attempting to. By their actions you would think we were the ones who tricked them into a "revised agreement"; lied about it; promised to change it; removed $250k from the project funds for our personal use; refused to return the money or sign a promissory note for it; refused to remove the "revised agreement"; and then filed suit against them.
My sister and brother-in-law, think they followed the biblical principles of Matthew 18. But then they follow it up with a direct violation of both Old Testament standards and the written instructions of the New Testament, and they file a lawsuit against a fellow "believer." And not just any lawsuit, but the most personal, vindictive and vicious lawsuit our lawyer has seen in years if not ever.
How do they explain that to themselves? I guess by saying it was a "defensive" move they rationalize they didn't do it and once again project their actions on to us.
Addendum: Well the Settlement Conference is over, and it was not successful. The judge was awesome. He was so wise and did his very best. But you cannot deal rationally with people who are irrational.
The judge told us that less than 2% of civil lawsuits ever make it to trial. I guess we are going to be in that "special" 2%. I'm guessing that the rest of the cases that make the 2% are like ours and not really about the merits of the case at all but are about personal vendettas and revenge. What they wanted was absurd. The good thing about it is that it was so absurd that there was no doubt what our answer had to be. So, we will wait to see when a trial will be scheduled. The judge tried to tell them that we don't have that kind of money and their response was, "they have a successful business." Our business is a small business with expensive equipment but it is not a cash cow. If you sell your equipment then you don't have a business. We couldn't come up with that much money if we sold everything we own.
The judge clearly saw what the motives were behind the issues.
The Lord is faithful, and He once again gave them another opportunity to do the right thing and drop this lawsuit. My sister and brother-in-law always accuse us of "digging in," another projection on to us of who and what they do. I'm learning that this projection, both the projection of assuming our qualities upon themselves and asserting their actions upon us, is symptomatic of a personality disorder.
It has been several years since we have seen them. Whenever we see them I find it very shocking. They both arrived in court in blue jeans. My brother-in-law's jeans looked like he had worn them for days or weeks without washing. They both looked very disheveled, hard, and unhealthy. Their personas do not portray any kind of peace or contentment in their lives. It is so sad. So very, very sad. LORD, what is it going to take? Will they ever understand how to have peace and contentment in their lives? Will they ever turn FROM the lies and turn TO truth—YOUR TRUTH?
On a side note: Today the guys came to begin building the shelter that is a symbol of God's protection in our lives. They should be finished tomorrow and the antique lithograph store manger scene that I bought last year (but didn't know what I was going to do with it) will go in the shelter the next day. This shelter represents what God told the Israelites to do during the Feast of Shelters. They were to build a shelter on their property to remind them of how God took care of them while they were in the wilderness. That is why we are building this simple shelter. It is a reminder to ourselves, the generations that follow us, and all that come to our home—HE IS THE ONE—who protected us and took care of us while following HIS path in this trial.
Next Entry: Matthew 18:15 – 19:30 (Continued)
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