September 25, 2012
Yesterday I spent some time looking up a list of verses Mom gave me shortly after the lawsuit began. It is obviously very upsetting for a Mother to have one daughter seeking to harm another daughter.
Mom looked up the cross-reference verses for Psalm 140 (God's promise to us through Jane) and hand wrote them on a small plain card and gave them to me. They were an encouragement to her and she wanted to encourage us. I just ran across it a few days ago while going through a file downstairs. I don't want to lose them so I'm going to record them here. Mom's card is in the front folder of this journal (Journal #10). Psalm 140 is the chapter Jane (Her Name Was Jane) told me to read just three days after my sister and brother-in-law filed the lawsuit against us.
Yesterday I spent some time looking up a list of verses Mom gave me shortly after the lawsuit began. It is obviously very upsetting for a Mother to have one daughter seeking to harm another daughter.
Mom looked up the cross-reference verses for Psalm 140 (God's promise to us through Jane) and hand wrote them on a small plain card and gave them to me. They were an encouragement to her and she wanted to encourage us. I just ran across it a few days ago while going through a file downstairs. I don't want to lose them so I'm going to record them here. Mom's card is in the front folder of this journal (Journal #10). Psalm 140 is the chapter Jane (Her Name Was Jane) told me to read just three days after my sister and brother-in-law filed the lawsuit against us.
Psalm 140
Verse 1: Psalm 18:48 - "He saves me from my enemies. You set me over those who hate me. You saved me from cruel men."
Verse 2: Psalm 56:6 - "They wait. They hide. They watch my steps, hoping to kill me."
Verse 3: Psalm 57:4; Psalm 64:3 - "Enemies, like lions, are all around me; I must lie down among them. Their teeth are like spears and arrows, their tongues as sharp as swords."; "They sharpen their tongues like swords and shoot bitter words like arrows."
Verse 4: Psalm 71:4; Psalm 36:11 - "My God, save me from the power of the wicked and from the hold of evil and cruel people."; "Don't let proud people attack me and the wicked force me away."
Verse 5: Job 18:9; Psalm 35:7; Psalm 141:9; Psalm 142:3 - " A trap will catch them by the heel and hold them tight."; "For no reason they spread out their net to trap me; for no reason they dug a pit for me."; "Protect me from the traps they set for me and from the net that evil people have spread."; "When I am afraid, you, LORD, know the way out. In the path where I walk, a trap is hidden for me."
Verse 6: Psalm 143:1; Psalm 116:1 - "LORD, hear my prayer; listen to my cry for mercy. Answer me because you are loyal and good."; "I love the LORD, because he listens to my prayers for help."
Verse 7: Psalm 28:8; Psalm 118:14; Psalm 144:10 - "The LORD is powerful; he gives victory to his chosen one."; "The LORD gives me strength and a song. He has saved me."; "You give victory to kings. You save your servant David from cruel swords."
Verse 8: Psalm 112:10 - "The wicked will see this and become angry; they will grind their teeth in anger and then disappear. The wishes of the wicked will come to nothing."
Verse 9: Psalm 7:16; Proverbs 18:7 - "They will get themselves into trouble; the violence they cause will hurt only themselves."; "The words of fools will ruin them; their own words will trap them."
Verse 10: Psalm 36:12; Psalm 21:9 - "Those who do evil have been defeated. They are overwhelmed; they cannot do evil any longer."; "When you appear, you will burn them as in a furnace. In your anger you will swallow them up, and fire will burn them up."
Verse 11: Psalm 34:21 - "Evil will kill the wicked; those who hate good people will be judged guilty."
Verse 12: I Kings 8:45, 49; Psalm 12:5; Psalm 35:10 - "Then hear in heaven their prayers, and do what is right."; "Then hear their prayers from your home in heaven, and do what is right."; "But the LORD says, "I will now rise up, because the poor are being hurt. Because the moans of the helpless, I will give them the help they want.' "; "Even my bones will say, 'LORD, who is like you? You save the weak from the strong, the weak and poor from robbers.' "
Verse 13: Psalm 97:12 - "Rejoice in the LORD, you who do right. Praise his holy name."
Mom also gave me Isaiah 43:1–3 to read. She called me on 3/31/08 and told me she had read those verses in her devotions that morning and she felt it was God's promise to her for us. What joy it has been to enjoy such a close relationship with Mom and Dad. Isaiah 43:1–3 says, "Now this is what the LORD says. He created you, people of Jacob; he formed you, people of Israel. He says, "Don't be afraid, because I have saved you. I have called you by name, and you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. When you cross rivers, you will not drown. When you walk through fire, you will not be burned, nor will the flames hurt you. This is because I, the LORD am your God."
Addendum: 2/12/16 ~ It has been extremely hard for my Mom (and for my Dad when he was alive) to know that one daughter is actively seeking to harm another daughter by filing a lawsuit against her. Mom has asked many times, "What did we do wrong"? And each time I reassure her that they did nothing wrong. Everyone has a free will and free choice on how they are going to live their lives. We were all raised in the same home. My sister's choices were (and are) just that—her choices. While it has been difficult for Mom, she also has great confidence that my husband and I are going to be just fine. Mom hates the process, but she does not fear the result.
It is strange, but I do not miss the relationship I had with my sister at all. IF there is ever any sort of reconciliation, it (our relationship) can never ever go back to what it was. NEVER. The ending of our relationship was one of the good things that came from this lawsuit. It was not a healthy relationship and I am grateful to be free from it.
Sometimes you have to be free of something before you can clearly see how manipulative and destructive it was. We used to joke that the "hurricane" from the west was coming whenever my sister came to visit. Turns out the joke was actually the truth. My sister used to joke that she was the "queen" and I was the "servant." Turns out that wasn't just a joke either. That is truly how my sister viewed our relationship. Turmoil just seems to follow some people around. My sister is one of those people. There appears to be no peace in her or surrounding her, and it affects everyone she comes into contact with. My relationship with my Mom could have never have been restored without me first becoming free from my sisters influences. I am so grateful that Mom and I can share a close relationship once again. I am grateful that I have been able to help her and comfort her during the last years of her life. It has been a true blessing and I will treasure this time and the memories it has given me forever.
Addendum: 3/27/19 ~ Mom passed away on 8/31/2018. Mom had a medical event (the doctor thinks it was a stroke) which left her completely confused and unable to eat. After several days of total confusion (not knowing who we were or where she was) and several days of complete incontinence, Mom's mind amazingly cleared back up. Mom still couldn't swallow any solids and couldn't even swallow any liquids without choking, but she was alert, responsive, and content. Mom lived for seventeen days without food and only a sip or two of water—and then she passed on to her eternal reward.
My brother and I took shifts in caring for our Mother. He took care of Mom during the day and I took care of her during the late afternoons, evenings, and into the morning. While the seventeen days were long and hard, it was also the most beautiful time—a time I will forever cherish. Mom had no fear whatsoever of the dying process. None. Mom only felt God was "dawdling" and not coming to take her home soon enough.🙂
Mom told stories I'd never heard before. She was downright funny. One time my brother was telling her she was being awful "bossy" and she replied, "I have to be... I don't have much time left to do it." You would have thought Mom and I were having all-night girl slumber parties. I slept (well that isn't quite true. I got only a few hours of sleep total in over a week's time) on cushions on her bedroom floor so I could protect her from falling if she tried to get up during the night. We often talked and laughed all night. The stories I heard and the time spent together—priceless! One night, after Mom was quiet and reflective for a while she said, "You would think He (meaning God) would take into consideration that I haven't eaten for thirteen days" once again referring to the fact that she felt God was "dawdling" in taking her home. She would feel her now very thin arms and say she wished she would have been this thin earlier in her life. She said, "Who knew that all it would take is not eating." We laughed, we cried, we prayed, we talked, we listened to Bill Gaither songs about "Going Home," and we cherished our last moments together.
Hospice was called in. My brother and I wanted to make sure Mom was comfortable if any pain developed during the dying process. Thankfully, Mom experienced no pain. In the last 24 hours or so of Mom's long final journey, Mom developed what Hospice called "terminal restlessness" where her body was so revved up that you would have thought she drank ten double espresso Starbucks Grande coffees. Hospice started some medication to relax her body. My brother and I were so thankful for the team of Hospice nurses and their help in making sure Mom was comfortable.
We (my brother, myself, and Hospice) individually and together all talked with Mom about the elephant in the room:
For many years, my sister lived under the delusion that Mom and Dad didn't know anything about the lawsuit. Mom and Dad knew everything from the beginning and wanted to confront her many different times, but with some people you can't win, lose, or draw. Any type of confrontation would just open up a firestorm that would never end. So, we all encouraged them to just keep quiet about what all they knew. Dad, bless his heart, shocked us all and somehow managed to hold his tongue. Mom kept quiet for years, but then without letting my brother or myself know, several years ago she decided she could keep quiet no longer. Mom called my sister and called her out on her actions. Needless to say, it did not go well. After my Mom confronted my sister, my sister stopped all personal contact. There was a occasional Christmas chain type letter, but there were no phone calls whatsoever for years.
While my sister had essentially totally abandoned our Mother in her later years (and while Mom made the decision to spend her last earthly days in peace and without unsettling drama), Mom never once abandoned her love for my sister. A mother's love and concern for a wayward child never ends. Mom faithfully prayed for my sister until the day she died. Mom knew that as much as it depended upon her she had done all she could do; a person has to be willing to change, and accept God's plan for a changed heart and life. God graciously balanced Mom's heavy heart with a "peace that passeth all understanding."
Mom wanted to be able to die in peace surrounded by the people who loved her and cared about her, and we honored Mom's request for peace in her final days. Mom passed away with the comfort of knowing she was deeply loved by all those surrounding her.
Mom wanted no public viewing; she only wanted a simple graveside service with my brother's family and my family. So, we honored her wishes and that is what we did. The funeral home allowed me to have a private viewing of my mother. This may sound strange, but I needed to see Mom safely lying in the casket in the blue nightgown she wanted to be buried in and the matching blanket I had just bought her. She looked so peaceful and beautiful. I held her hand and promised her that while she could no longer be praying for my sister, I would carry her heart's desire forward and I would take her place and continue to pray for changed hearts and lives..
The family met at the grave site and my brother poignantly spoke. When he finished, I spoke. I shared that even though all of us were very aware that a member of the family was missing, it did not mean that the "family" was broken because those of us who were gathered together to celebrate Mom's life were united as one. I shared how I stood by Mom's casket earlier that day and promised Mom I would carry forward her prayers, and I asked them all to join me in doing the same.
I shared special memories of Mom and then I presented each member of the family an Old World Christmas ornament/memento which I had prearranged for the florist to include in the beautiful woodsy floral casket arrangement which included a variety of Hosta leaves from Mom's garden. A frog ornament for Mom's youngest great-grandson to represent the ornamental frog he loved in Mom's living room which "croaked" every time he walked by; large-mouth Bass fish ornaments for the two older great-grandsons to represent their love for fishing in Great Grandma's farm pond; Monarch butterfly ornaments for the great-granddaughters to represent the Monarch chrysalises Mom would often hatch in her living room; deer ornaments for Mom's grandsons and my brother to represent the many deer which freely roam on Mom and Dad's farm; and bird ornaments for the granddaughters, my brother's wife and myself to represent Mom's enjoyment and love for feeding birds. My bird was a Cardinal because of its special meaning to me. Almost every day, as I drove over to Mom's place to take my shift in caring for her, a brilliant red Cardinal would meet me towards the top of their long lane and hop from tree to tree leading the way as I drove my car towards their house. Each Christmas, as each of us put our memento ornaments on our trees, we will recount our special memories of our Mom, Grandma, and Great Grandma.
After the graveside service we all went back to Mom and Dad's farm and enjoyed a picnic. As part of our picnic I made Mom's "famous" dishes that everyone loved. I used her recipes and served her well-loved and remembered dishes in the bowls and pans she always used. Mom's Mac 'n Cheese, her freezer coleslaw, her deep dish apple pie, and her famous (and everyone's favorite) Garden Huckleberry Cheesecake. Our grandchildren fished in the pond and played in the creek. We all took a walk up to the woods and marveled at all the piles of branches Mom had picked up and neatly stacked over the years. We walked to the far end of the woods and once again marveled at the huge pile of stones Mom had gathered and piled from the front field. Mom was fiercely independent and a hard worker. She hated winter, and each year couldn't wait until Spring came so she could go outside and get rid of weeds, gather stones from the fields, or clean the woods. My brother always joked that she kept the woods so clean that the deer were going to have to wipe their feet before they went in. It was a beautiful and peaceful time celebrating Mom's life. We then went into Mom's house and Mom's grandchildren and great grandchildren choose more mementos to remember Grandma by. Can you guess who took home the "croaking" frog?
Mom not only taught me how to live, she modeled how to die. I am so grateful for my Mother's love. I miss her terribly, but I know where she is and some day I will join her and Dad and the angels in heaven as we sing praises to the King of kings and Lord of lords. Until that day I will continue to live my life in a way that honors the legacy she and my Dad passed down, and I will continue to pray for my sister.
This picture clearly shows the peace and contentment Mom felt even though she was already almost a week into her final earthly journey when this picture was taken. You're home, Mom. You lived well, you loved well, and you modeled how to die well. You were very, very loved and will be sorely missed by many. I am so grateful that God allowed me to be with you as you left this earth to begin your new life in heaven. Thank you, LORD. You are loved, Mom.
I Can Only Imagine.
Verse 8: Psalm 112:10 - "The wicked will see this and become angry; they will grind their teeth in anger and then disappear. The wishes of the wicked will come to nothing."
Verse 9: Psalm 7:16; Proverbs 18:7 - "They will get themselves into trouble; the violence they cause will hurt only themselves."; "The words of fools will ruin them; their own words will trap them."
Verse 10: Psalm 36:12; Psalm 21:9 - "Those who do evil have been defeated. They are overwhelmed; they cannot do evil any longer."; "When you appear, you will burn them as in a furnace. In your anger you will swallow them up, and fire will burn them up."
Verse 11: Psalm 34:21 - "Evil will kill the wicked; those who hate good people will be judged guilty."
Verse 12: I Kings 8:45, 49; Psalm 12:5; Psalm 35:10 - "Then hear in heaven their prayers, and do what is right."; "Then hear their prayers from your home in heaven, and do what is right."; "But the LORD says, "I will now rise up, because the poor are being hurt. Because the moans of the helpless, I will give them the help they want.' "; "Even my bones will say, 'LORD, who is like you? You save the weak from the strong, the weak and poor from robbers.' "
Verse 13: Psalm 97:12 - "Rejoice in the LORD, you who do right. Praise his holy name."
Mom also gave me Isaiah 43:1–3 to read. She called me on 3/31/08 and told me she had read those verses in her devotions that morning and she felt it was God's promise to her for us. What joy it has been to enjoy such a close relationship with Mom and Dad. Isaiah 43:1–3 says, "Now this is what the LORD says. He created you, people of Jacob; he formed you, people of Israel. He says, "Don't be afraid, because I have saved you. I have called you by name, and you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. When you cross rivers, you will not drown. When you walk through fire, you will not be burned, nor will the flames hurt you. This is because I, the LORD am your God."
Addendum: 2/12/16 ~ It has been extremely hard for my Mom (and for my Dad when he was alive) to know that one daughter is actively seeking to harm another daughter by filing a lawsuit against her. Mom has asked many times, "What did we do wrong"? And each time I reassure her that they did nothing wrong. Everyone has a free will and free choice on how they are going to live their lives. We were all raised in the same home. My sister's choices were (and are) just that—her choices. While it has been difficult for Mom, she also has great confidence that my husband and I are going to be just fine. Mom hates the process, but she does not fear the result.
It is strange, but I do not miss the relationship I had with my sister at all. IF there is ever any sort of reconciliation, it (our relationship) can never ever go back to what it was. NEVER. The ending of our relationship was one of the good things that came from this lawsuit. It was not a healthy relationship and I am grateful to be free from it.
Sometimes you have to be free of something before you can clearly see how manipulative and destructive it was. We used to joke that the "hurricane" from the west was coming whenever my sister came to visit. Turns out the joke was actually the truth. My sister used to joke that she was the "queen" and I was the "servant." Turns out that wasn't just a joke either. That is truly how my sister viewed our relationship. Turmoil just seems to follow some people around. My sister is one of those people. There appears to be no peace in her or surrounding her, and it affects everyone she comes into contact with. My relationship with my Mom could have never have been restored without me first becoming free from my sisters influences. I am so grateful that Mom and I can share a close relationship once again. I am grateful that I have been able to help her and comfort her during the last years of her life. It has been a true blessing and I will treasure this time and the memories it has given me forever.
Addendum: 3/27/19 ~ Mom passed away on 8/31/2018. Mom had a medical event (the doctor thinks it was a stroke) which left her completely confused and unable to eat. After several days of total confusion (not knowing who we were or where she was) and several days of complete incontinence, Mom's mind amazingly cleared back up. Mom still couldn't swallow any solids and couldn't even swallow any liquids without choking, but she was alert, responsive, and content. Mom lived for seventeen days without food and only a sip or two of water—and then she passed on to her eternal reward.
My brother and I took shifts in caring for our Mother. He took care of Mom during the day and I took care of her during the late afternoons, evenings, and into the morning. While the seventeen days were long and hard, it was also the most beautiful time—a time I will forever cherish. Mom had no fear whatsoever of the dying process. None. Mom only felt God was "dawdling" and not coming to take her home soon enough.🙂
Mom told stories I'd never heard before. She was downright funny. One time my brother was telling her she was being awful "bossy" and she replied, "I have to be... I don't have much time left to do it." You would have thought Mom and I were having all-night girl slumber parties. I slept (well that isn't quite true. I got only a few hours of sleep total in over a week's time) on cushions on her bedroom floor so I could protect her from falling if she tried to get up during the night. We often talked and laughed all night. The stories I heard and the time spent together—priceless! One night, after Mom was quiet and reflective for a while she said, "You would think He (meaning God) would take into consideration that I haven't eaten for thirteen days" once again referring to the fact that she felt God was "dawdling" in taking her home. She would feel her now very thin arms and say she wished she would have been this thin earlier in her life. She said, "Who knew that all it would take is not eating." We laughed, we cried, we prayed, we talked, we listened to Bill Gaither songs about "Going Home," and we cherished our last moments together.
Hospice was called in. My brother and I wanted to make sure Mom was comfortable if any pain developed during the dying process. Thankfully, Mom experienced no pain. In the last 24 hours or so of Mom's long final journey, Mom developed what Hospice called "terminal restlessness" where her body was so revved up that you would have thought she drank ten double espresso Starbucks Grande coffees. Hospice started some medication to relax her body. My brother and I were so thankful for the team of Hospice nurses and their help in making sure Mom was comfortable.
We (my brother, myself, and Hospice) individually and together all talked with Mom about the elephant in the room:
Mom, do you want us to contact ______ (our sister) to let her know what is happening?Mom's answer was the same every time we (or Hospice) approached the subject—No. My brother accepted Mom's answer easily, but for me it was gut-wrenching and very difficult. How do you come to terms with knowing you have a sibling who isn't even aware that your/her mother is ill and in the process of dying? It was absolutely heartbreaking, yet at the same time I understood Mom's answer and we all agreed to honor Mom's wishes. My sister had long ago broken ties with Mom and the rest of our family, but that didn't make it any less painful. I had to remind myself that I was looking through the lenses of my eyes as someone who cares deeply. My sister doesn't view things the way I view them.
For many years, my sister lived under the delusion that Mom and Dad didn't know anything about the lawsuit. Mom and Dad knew everything from the beginning and wanted to confront her many different times, but with some people you can't win, lose, or draw. Any type of confrontation would just open up a firestorm that would never end. So, we all encouraged them to just keep quiet about what all they knew. Dad, bless his heart, shocked us all and somehow managed to hold his tongue. Mom kept quiet for years, but then without letting my brother or myself know, several years ago she decided she could keep quiet no longer. Mom called my sister and called her out on her actions. Needless to say, it did not go well. After my Mom confronted my sister, my sister stopped all personal contact. There was a occasional Christmas chain type letter, but there were no phone calls whatsoever for years.
While my sister had essentially totally abandoned our Mother in her later years (and while Mom made the decision to spend her last earthly days in peace and without unsettling drama), Mom never once abandoned her love for my sister. A mother's love and concern for a wayward child never ends. Mom faithfully prayed for my sister until the day she died. Mom knew that as much as it depended upon her she had done all she could do; a person has to be willing to change, and accept God's plan for a changed heart and life. God graciously balanced Mom's heavy heart with a "peace that passeth all understanding."
Mom wanted to be able to die in peace surrounded by the people who loved her and cared about her, and we honored Mom's request for peace in her final days. Mom passed away with the comfort of knowing she was deeply loved by all those surrounding her.
Mom wanted no public viewing; she only wanted a simple graveside service with my brother's family and my family. So, we honored her wishes and that is what we did. The funeral home allowed me to have a private viewing of my mother. This may sound strange, but I needed to see Mom safely lying in the casket in the blue nightgown she wanted to be buried in and the matching blanket I had just bought her. She looked so peaceful and beautiful. I held her hand and promised her that while she could no longer be praying for my sister, I would carry her heart's desire forward and I would take her place and continue to pray for changed hearts and lives..
The family met at the grave site and my brother poignantly spoke. When he finished, I spoke. I shared that even though all of us were very aware that a member of the family was missing, it did not mean that the "family" was broken because those of us who were gathered together to celebrate Mom's life were united as one. I shared how I stood by Mom's casket earlier that day and promised Mom I would carry forward her prayers, and I asked them all to join me in doing the same.
I shared special memories of Mom and then I presented each member of the family an Old World Christmas ornament/memento which I had prearranged for the florist to include in the beautiful woodsy floral casket arrangement which included a variety of Hosta leaves from Mom's garden. A frog ornament for Mom's youngest great-grandson to represent the ornamental frog he loved in Mom's living room which "croaked" every time he walked by; large-mouth Bass fish ornaments for the two older great-grandsons to represent their love for fishing in Great Grandma's farm pond; Monarch butterfly ornaments for the great-granddaughters to represent the Monarch chrysalises Mom would often hatch in her living room; deer ornaments for Mom's grandsons and my brother to represent the many deer which freely roam on Mom and Dad's farm; and bird ornaments for the granddaughters, my brother's wife and myself to represent Mom's enjoyment and love for feeding birds. My bird was a Cardinal because of its special meaning to me. Almost every day, as I drove over to Mom's place to take my shift in caring for her, a brilliant red Cardinal would meet me towards the top of their long lane and hop from tree to tree leading the way as I drove my car towards their house. Each Christmas, as each of us put our memento ornaments on our trees, we will recount our special memories of our Mom, Grandma, and Great Grandma.
After the graveside service we all went back to Mom and Dad's farm and enjoyed a picnic. As part of our picnic I made Mom's "famous" dishes that everyone loved. I used her recipes and served her well-loved and remembered dishes in the bowls and pans she always used. Mom's Mac 'n Cheese, her freezer coleslaw, her deep dish apple pie, and her famous (and everyone's favorite) Garden Huckleberry Cheesecake. Our grandchildren fished in the pond and played in the creek. We all took a walk up to the woods and marveled at all the piles of branches Mom had picked up and neatly stacked over the years. We walked to the far end of the woods and once again marveled at the huge pile of stones Mom had gathered and piled from the front field. Mom was fiercely independent and a hard worker. She hated winter, and each year couldn't wait until Spring came so she could go outside and get rid of weeds, gather stones from the fields, or clean the woods. My brother always joked that she kept the woods so clean that the deer were going to have to wipe their feet before they went in. It was a beautiful and peaceful time celebrating Mom's life. We then went into Mom's house and Mom's grandchildren and great grandchildren choose more mementos to remember Grandma by. Can you guess who took home the "croaking" frog?
Mom not only taught me how to live, she modeled how to die. I am so grateful for my Mother's love. I miss her terribly, but I know where she is and some day I will join her and Dad and the angels in heaven as we sing praises to the King of kings and Lord of lords. Until that day I will continue to live my life in a way that honors the legacy she and my Dad passed down, and I will continue to pray for my sister.
This picture clearly shows the peace and contentment Mom felt even though she was already almost a week into her final earthly journey when this picture was taken. You're home, Mom. You lived well, you loved well, and you modeled how to die well. You were very, very loved and will be sorely missed by many. I am so grateful that God allowed me to be with you as you left this earth to begin your new life in heaven. Thank you, LORD. You are loved, Mom.
I Can Only Imagine.
Next Entry: Luke 20:1–47
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